Autonomous Source

April 26, 2006

A Day in the Life, part VIII

Ugh. What a day. Now I remember why I haven't done one of these in such a long time. I've tried, but sometime between 10:00 and noon everything goes so screwy that I can no longer keep up with the notetaking. I just give up. But today, since I promised, I've managed to finish the day with a page of cryptic messages and a bunch of pictures from which I will now attempt to construct a complete narrative. It's 9:00 pm right now and I'm completely zonked. I've had a stiff Johnny Walker and am working on another in an attempt to prop me up, but it seems to be having the opposite effect. I never would of predicted that...

Anyway, welcome to the much-delayed 8th installment of my exciting Day in the Life series. People in the future will be able to download into their video goggles the 3D video version performed by the leading actors of the day, but you are forced to actually move your eyeballs to absorb this pathetic text version. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that. Even more primitive versions can be found here: part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V, part VI and part VII.

The two children mentioned in the following account are just a little older than three. Thus, a good portion of the day was spent dealing with certain bodily function issues. To prevent the embarrassment of these children in the future, I will not mention them. But trust me, they kept me busy, though they are much improved. As well, I am sorry to note, I tried to keep a count of how many times I dashed up and down the stairs but unfortunately lost count. I thought it would be an interesting statistic. But I estimate it to be somewhere around 55,000.

Okay. Let's get started...

6:15 I'm up before the alarm. Squeak climbs on me for a cuddle session, followed by Samba and then Max. From the window I can see that it looks like it'll be a nice day.

6:30 Mama heads for the shower while I continue providing cuddles.

6:40 The crazy time begins. Talia is still in bed, and I work to rouse her. Mama is downstairs making a delicious and nutritious breakfast and I work to get the kids dressed. What to wear? We manage to come to a decision. Max insists on wearing a second-hand sweat-jacket we picked up someplace, which I have just noticed is part of the Mary-Kate and Ashley collection. He'll never know. I ask him eight times to hang up his pajamas before he complies. Kids these days!

7:15 I realize we have no more bottled water. (Our tap water kind of sucks.) No water means no coffee which means a slow death. I rush off to the local depaneur to buy some before Mama heads to work. It's not quite as nice out as I though it was; it's cold and frosty.

7:30 I'm back. I've noticed all my neighbors have their garbage out, so I guess I should put out mine too. I'm such a mindless conformist.

When I get in I notice the kids haven't eaten much. But they are making loud cock-a-doodle-dooooo noises.

7:40 I put my coffee on and sit next to the kids for breakfast. Talia is still not eating, but Max is mostly done. I coax, persuade, threaten and plead with her and manage to get her to eat another three bites (by spooning them in myself).

7:45 Mama is off. I'm all alone here.

7:47 Kids start pleading to watch TV. Boy, do they know me. I refuse.

7:50 Fights begin over toys.

7:55 Fights escalate. Talia calls Max 'bad'. Max is devastated and whines at me, "Papa, Talia says I'm bad!"

8:00 I give in to the TV request so I can jot down some notes before I forget, and finally get to drink my coffee. I clean up after breakfast, browse a few blogs and news sites, and skim the paper. The kids are downstairs watching Arthur and Lunar Jim. This is the best part of my day.

I notice I didn't turn on the dishwasher last night. Great.

9:00 I go downstairs to see how things are going, and they beg for more TV. What to do? Take them upstairs and interact with them in a meaningful and educational play session against their wishes? Or let the slick professionals that create Sesame Street sink their hooks into their innocent and vulnerable minds? Surprisingly, it's not that difficult a decision.

9:45 I go down to tell them at 10:00 I will give them a snack of apple slices and Corn pops before we go shopping for groceries. Talia demands Corn pops and Cheerios. We argue; I say she needs fruit. She refuses. Tempers flare. Finally she agrees to apple slices and Corn pops and Cheerios. Groan.

As I'm cutting the apples, Talia tells me, "I'm hung-ery". And then she repeats herself another dozen times just in case I didn't understand. I get to use the well-worn parent's line, "You should have eaten your breakfast."

9:50 Max is bored with Elmo and comes up for his snack. He is perfectly satisfied and eats everything. Talia demands more. I get to use that line again. I give her more after I manage to force the 'p' word out of her mouth.

10:15 They eat slowly. Finally they finish and we go up to brush teeth and get some socks on them. I snap a very nice picture of me with Talia in the bathroom.

10:20 We start the process to go to Loblaws. I start to get them dressed to go outside, but I can't find Talia's runners. She finds them in a little hiding place. "I put my runners there for safe. No monsters can eat them", she explains.

10:30 We're on our way. Talia keeps up a steady patter the whole ride.

10:50 We enter Loblaws. They refuse to sit in the cart now and want to walk. I agree, but warn them that if they run off then back in the cart they go. And they are perfect. But they didn't do much walking.

And here I will have to stop. It's nearing 10:30 pm as I write this and I've really gotta get some sleep. I'll continue this absolutely mesmerizing tale tomorrow evening. I would do it tomorrow during the day, but I have that reserved to do our damn taxes. The ironic thing is that I will get some sleep tonight, but you readers won't. How will the rest of the day turn out? What will we eat for lunch? Who will we meet? What will we do? I'm so sorry to leave you hanging like this, but try to hold on for another twenty-four hours. See you then.

Posted by Bruce Gottfred at April 26, 2006 10:31 PM | TrackBack

Sounds like you got way too off easy in the grocery store. The only way I could keep the tribe semi-civilized was if I sang Barney songs at the top of my lungs. It got to the point where the cashiers would groan and grimace long before they actually saw my face.

Posted by: Kateland at April 27, 2006 09:18 AM

Howdy! Thanks for the e-mail, im working on a reply but my work cycle is 24/7 (school by day, photography by night, work on the weekends, and its wedding season... Yikes.) and to be honest I procrastinate like you wouldnt believe.

There are always so much fun to read, I get to see into the frustration that is toddler-times... It scares me after reading your blog after these past few years.

BUT YOUR ALMOST OUT! Soon (hopefully) the bowel side of things will begin to take care of themselves, thats a good part of the tedious battle.

The first picture of yourself, Max, and the cat had alot of potential actually for a portfolio shot... Damn being in Manitoba.

Posted by: Ian Baxter at May 6, 2006 02:04 PM
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